Hi, remember me? I’m the failspaz that failed to even fail during Kirby Week and instead failed even more and hasn’t posted since. No Christmas post (well, that’s happened before). No December 29th post. What? Anyway, we can hope that will end soon because my first prediction for 2011 is that, as with previous years, Four Island will suddenly become popular amongst its frequenters again on January 1st. Here’s hoping! *crosses fingers so hard that nothing happens*
Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yeah, predictions. Last year’s 2010 in Song was a major fail (oh god, that seems such a short time ago), so I’m going to revert to something better that we’ll all enjoy: random predictions! Are you ready? I’m not ready. Let’s go!
Four Island, due to it’s annual four-month-popularity spell, suddenly becomes popular and as a result, Starla’s other router explodes, forcing her to put the only other router in the house, her new Apple Time Capsule, in the dirty, gross, disgusting basement. As a result of that, Starla prints "WANTED" posters for her Time Capsule and drops a pile of them in the spot where it used to live.
Someone realizes that Four Island isn’t up. In fact, it hadn’t been up since January 1st because Starla, in her infinite intelligence, forgot to forward the ports. Random sidenote: backing up from the basement is slow.
Drifty writes a story about police constables rushing a Russian prison and saving Regina Spektor, who had been imprisoned because the government didn’t approve of chemotherapy. Unsurprisingly, Starla thought the story was real and Drifty’s email service soon fell to a denial of service attack. Which is rather stupid if you think about it because Starla and Drifty both use Gmail.
Starla’s printer, Matilda, bails her out of imaginary jail for DoS’ing one of Gmail’s servers, platonic.superman.kindle-porcupine.gmail.com. Matilda gives Starla a stern talking to, and then prints her out an ice cream cone in FORTRAN.
iOS 4.3 for the iPhone, iPad and iPod touch is released, giving the devices such new features as time travel, peace-making, house construction, reliable mortgage analysis and the ability to view a page in MobileSafari without it refreshing every five minutes.
The world comes to an end. Or at least begins to. IANA officially runs out of IPv4 addresses and someone, somewhere finally realizes that "Oh god, this is serious." In unrelated news, Google founder Lawrence E. Page decides to run for U.S. president. He pledges to put AdWords in all of our subways and replace cable TV with YouTube.
Apple announces the successor to the iPad, the Max-iPad, which is "bigger, better and has a name that’s even easier to make fun of." Needless to say, everyone immediately pre-orders one.
Starla releases Season 4 of Pillowcase. The first comic depicts a pillowcase buying an iPhone and jailbreaking it. Needless to say, everyone is confused.
The iPhone Dev Team release a new jailbreak for iOS 4.3: PillowBreak. Needless to say, everyone is even more confused and Starla is pulled aside for questioning.
Apple releases the Max-iPad. The first 1000 people to arrive at the Apple Store in Manhattan witness a shipping blunder as Apple unpacks the newly released Max-iPads and realized that FedEx accidentally sent them the wrong thing. Happy Apple customers walked away with $500 hygiene products and didn’t realize the mistake until they tried to play Angry Birds on them.
Optical media officially becomes obsolete. Smiley is seen jumping around in the background shouting "HA! I WIN! TAKE THAT!" Starla is sad until she realizes that obsolete != nonexistent (they still make vinyl records, you know) and buys a subscription to "I’m Old And I Still Like CDs Magazine".
Prices of condos go up after presidential candidate Lawrence E. Page announces that if elected, he will make it mandatory by law to install spam filters in all USPS mail trucks.
Prices of condos go back down after it is realized that 2011 isn’t a presidential election year.
Starla gets "May Fever", as she calls her nonsensical obsession with the month May, and releases a remix of "Girlfriend in the City" by Nelly Furtado that is supposed to illustrate why. Needless to say, it doesn’t.
iTunes 11 is released with new features such as "Even Uglier UI!", "More Annoying Social Networks!", "When You Buys Songs From Us, We Make You Sign Your Name In Blood!" and worst of all, the inability to import songs from CD. Starla doesn’t upgrade to iTunes 11. For some reason, everyone else does.
Pyro achieves the fastest time for solving a Rubix cube while doing her nails and saying the word "serendipity" in a questioning manner: infinity.
Starla gets a MacBook Pro and is so excited about it that she accidentally spills kerosene on her server.
The iPhone 5 is released with a CDMA chip. AT&T immediately goes out of business.
Someone says "Hey, maybe we should start switching to IPv6 soon." He is ignored.
Tumblr experiences some downtime. Starla’s old computer also has a kernel panic, someone makes a jokes about the Max-iPad, a cat is found in a tree and the sun rises in the east.
Nicki Minaj dies a horrific, lack-of-talent-related death. Justin Beiber, Jason Derulo and every rapper start worrying about the likelihood of releasing another album.
Timbo94 writes a True Falsity about purchasing the rights to Cardcaptor Sakura. Everyone is so surprised that someone actually out-waited the latency to write a True Falsity that someone, somewhere is sued and something, somewhere explodes.
The first Homestar Runner video of the year is released. Everyone immediately forgets about the hiatus and watches in excitement as Homestar says something funny and is subsequently stuffed in a bread drawer.
In celebration of Four Island’s anniversary, Starla releases Four Island 3, a grand rewrite of Four Island in Ruby on Rails. Everyone is so stunned with the beauty and magnificence of the new website that Starla is immediately arrested and a background search is done based on the suspicion that she stole the website from someone.
Starla is released from prison due to the fact that she talked about The Crucible and Kate Nash too frequently. She subsequently opens her web browser only to find that fourisland.com has been replaced with porn.
The world actually comes to an end as the RIRs all run out of IPv4 addresses. All Mayan-superstion believers are surprised as armageddon arrives a year and a month earlier than they expected it to. Starla laughs at them from the side, and then realizes that the end of the world isn’t necessarily a good thing, so she backs up her server and runs off with her Time Capsule.
Nobody is around to troll the Internet about a certain redundancy of the date because the world ended.
There you go! Random Predictions for 2011. What’s interesting is that while my predictions for February 21st and November 10th are humorous, they are actually going to happen (albeit possibly on earlier dates). Not the Google presidency thing, the exhaustion of IPv4. It’s going to be interesting to see how this year pans out because this is actually rather serious and it’s going to happen. Lol, I can’t wait to laugh at 2012 believers. Anyway, I hope you’ve all enjoyed 2010, because tonight, it’s all going to be over! And let me be the one to say: "Oh GOD, that was fast." 😛